If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
You Might Also Like
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Things will get butter, keep churning