If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.