6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.