If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’