@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: You put "summoning demons" as a special skill? ME: That's right. INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
@TheMichaelRock: What idiot decided to call it chewing tobacco instead of chewbacca?
@Mike_Bianchi: Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
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