@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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@genehunter1: After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral, a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.
@UNTRESOR: Hi, I'm Brandon and I'll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are "ur mom", "lol own3d", and "u mad bro lol u mad?!??!"
@WheelTod: Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
@Hebafouad21: In our wedding, I'll invite his ex and be like "Still believe you can get him back?"