@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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@iwearaonesie: wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote "today"*
@Carbosly: When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45. They all think I look AMAZING for my age.