Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
You Might Also Like
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Traveler’s camo
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.