@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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@WildeThingy: [dog social media] Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption - "woof, woof, woof." Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
@KalvinMacleod: Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
@SamDeLanche: We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
@thenatewolf: Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully 10,000 Year Old Tree: k