If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?