If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Love is in the air fryer.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.