In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*has no idea what a book even is*
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.