I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.