*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.