78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
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it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
damn he’s good
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.