Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”