80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.