If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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I saw this ending much differently.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
scared to check what name she chose
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT