If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Hello Twits.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
WHY?!
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.