@LindzThoughts: If maxi pad commercials didn't exist, us women would have no idea that we're full of blue windshield wiper fluid.
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@trevorthehuman: Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker] Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
@ThatRascalPuff: No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*
@emily_murnane: My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition. Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.