*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’