If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.