@DestryBrod: If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
@SadMeterologist: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
@noog: If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Whatcha doin? 12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead. Me: Did Hershel die yet? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Guess not.