@DestryBrod: If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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@AimeeHelene1: Friend: Who's that? Me: Oh...that's crazy Kathy. F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something? Me: No. She eats hair.
@chuuew: ME: [gets into a car accident] EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're trying to save lives
@FeelingEuphoric: ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy SATAN: holy shit