If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.