If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.