If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
This classic never gets old . . .
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
When you’ve simply given up.
incredible text to wake up to
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.