If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that鈥檚 low, Sharon
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I鈥檒l never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I鈥檒l Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I鈥檝e never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son鈥檚 toys on Christmas morning.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If you people would鈥檝e used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 馃檪
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”