‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Guilty! 🤪
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.