If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
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If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.