@FatherWithTwins: If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there's a 150% chance they'll hit me in the face with it.
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@Donnie_Fairburn: [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on
@MatthewEPierce: broke: animals can't go to heaven because they don't wait til marriage to have sex woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner's prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
@rocknthepurple: Me: I could tell you, but I'd have to- Him: Kill me? hahaha Me: No, talk to you. And I don't wanna do that.
@electrolemon: everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they're just ikea product names (they are)