@GirrlGenius: If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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@OneFunnyMummy: Before kids: I'd choose going blind over going deaf. After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
@pseudofauxme: My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
@LosLos__: HR: You said: You're "moist" welcome? Me: Autocorrect. HR: You're fine. Me: Sweet! HR: I meant: you're fired. Autocorrect.