If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Spring of Deception
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.