one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
You Might Also Like
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor