@dumbbeezie: If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
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@MaryKoCo: "How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?" "How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?"
@DaHess1: "Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you're trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train." - My Dad
@OrvllShrednbchr: 10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven't gotten laid since. Well played, God.
@MartinPilgrim1: 1.Not leaving my room 2.Not leaving the house 3.Missing someone's birthday party My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.