@dumbbeezie: If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
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@longwall26: *Paul Ryan watches a children's hospital explode* Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.
@internetluke: [hears a baby crying on the train] Can somebody put that thing on silence please? "It's a baby.." ... "..." Vibrate?
@TheMichaelRock: 7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH! Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn't want you messing with it until payd...Friday.