Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
You Might Also Like
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
i actually laughed 😩
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
some cats are just doing for fun!
never forget
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s