If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life