[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!