I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Peace was never an option
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.