If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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pizza
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.