*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
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They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Storm Tropical Storm
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?