If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.