If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.