If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me, flirting😏
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit