@JohnnyCrash5: If my dog barks at you we can't be friends, also, I hate you too.
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@tacsanitchiban: Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard? Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
@causticbob: A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?" He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."
@garrettbarry70: A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.
@VerifiedJayy: When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is