Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!