If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
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shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Same post same
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.