If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.