Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You Might Also Like
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.