@KenJennings: If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I'd spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.
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@stevemarriott: [McDonalds board meeting] CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask
@TragicAllyHere: [I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous [I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
@caroline_umc: Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.