Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Taking phone security to the next level.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference