If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.