When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”