[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
me and who
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.