If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Sticker placement is key.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping