If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
it must be school picture day
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I am never leaving this website
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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