If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
this is how life feels
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car